Things I Will Miss After the Peakalypse, #5

Chinese Take-out.

I don't know about you, but we like to call up our local Chinese restaurant, and order take-out occasionally. A steaming collection of General Tso's Chicken, some Pork Lo Mein, egg rolls, Wonton soup, and the ever-present fortune cookies are a Friday night favorite. Exotic food prepared by someone else is a luxury of our times.

In the future, we'll all be on the blacklist at Hop Sing's. Not for naming names, but because Mr. Sing is too busy farming and cooking for his own family to worry about whipping up Mu Shu pork for yours.

[found this idling as a draft.. ha.. makes me hungry now..]

Things I Will Miss After the Peakalypse, #4

Chocolate.

Chock full of antioxidants, chocolate is an important staple in any heart-healthy diet. Okay, I may be stretching it a bit, but you have to agree that chocolate is pretty boss.

Combine ground cacao beans with milk and sugar, and you have civilized, and healthy, bliss. I prefer a 60% to 70% cacao blend, just in case you needed to know. Rich, smooth, sweet, and something that makes life just a little brighter. Plus, you don't have to get stung by bees to get it.

In the future, we'll likely have to go back to honey as an available sweetener, so long as we can dodge the bees that make it. We may also try sugar beets. In the tropics, sugar cane will still be available, depending on any climate shifts.

Cacao beans, along with coffee beans, may prove to be the impetus to move to South America after the Peakalypse.

Things I Will Miss After the Peakalypse, #3

Telephone.

I live 1,500 miles from most of my kin, and so we converse regularly via telephone and e-mail. The telephone is indispensable to modern life, not to mention vital for ordering pizza delivery.

Forget cellular networks, I doubt that even land lines would continue on. The optical network that runs coast to coast will be inoperable without a dependable, national electrical grid. Sure, we may have pockets of stable, renewable power, but nothing near what it would take to power our current telecommunications infrastructure.

Well, at least we won't have to worry about people texting while driving anymore. They won't be texting at all. Or driving, for that matter. I can just see the text junkies now, sitting in rusted, immobile cars, frantically thumbing dead cell phones.

If we're lucky, we may have some short-wave base stations to relay critical info to remote locations. Or, if we can cobble together a copper-wired network, maybe get back to a usable telegraph system. Start brushing up on your Morse Code, kids.

Things I Will Miss After the Peakalypse, #2

Coffee.

First thing I do, every morning, is brew a pot of liquid sunshine. I need it so. I cannot bear to think of life without it.

Chances are, after the Peakalypse, Juan Valdez may be still roaming the slopes with his mule, picking coffee. But, without cheap oil, that coffee won't be traveling the thousands of miles so easy. (if for no other reason, I may have to relocate to South America).

I doubt that my beloved bean will disappear suddenly, coffee availability will slowly dwindle, so I'll have time to kick the habit. First, it will gradually become too expensive a commodity for the Proles (like me). Then, Outer Party folks will see it vanish, and only the Inner Party may have access to it.

So, I will relish every cup from now until the dismal dearth, and it truly will be good to the last, final drop.

Things I Will Miss After the Peakalypse, #1

Toilet paper.

Nothing is so civilized as toilet paper; clean bum, clean hands, and clean shorts. It's a huge leap for sanitation, and indoor plumbing just isn't the same without it. Besides, you can't haul a bidet out behind a tree.

After the Peakalypse, I doubt Charmin will be cranking out the two-ply. So, I imagine that we'll be scouring the old landfills for moldy copies of Cosmo for #2 duty. That, or we'd best learn to identify and avoid poison ivy, oak, and sumac in the dark, just in case.

Sure, there are bigger worries, but it's the little things that we'll all miss the most.

By Extension #71006

Ok, I've been goaded into making these slogans available as bumper stickers. Here's the first

Death Penalty - Making sure that every inmate is a wanted inmate.

Just click on the link above to order.

As CafePress won't let me have multiple offerings without paying the fee, I'll let this first one float for a while, then post others as interest would indicate.

By Extension, #71003

Some people criticise pro-life supporters as being hypocritical when it comes to the death penalty. 'Tis fair to expect a people that claims to believe in mercy to really extend it. I would, in turn, like to see abortion supporters be thoroughly pro-death, extending their logic about the unborn to capital offenders.

With that in mind, I give you: Pro-Choice Slogans for the Death Penalty.

Lethal Injection: Making sure every inmate is a wanted inmate.

My Prison, My Choice.

If you don't believe in Lethal Injection, don't have one.

Pro-law, Pro-order, Pro-death penalty

If you can't trust me with a lethal injection, how can you trust me with a life sentence?

Keep your defense attorney off my lethal injection gurney.

More submissions will be posted when you cough 'em up.

Logic

Since I'm on the long road to a BS in electrical engineering, the subject matter has been occupying more of my waking thought. And like anything else in my scrambled brain, some things are bound to get swirled around with other oddities. So without further ado:

The Logic of Matthew 7:13

Quebexican food

In explaining the pronunciation of the end of my last name, my train of thought jumped the rails and landed in a twisted heap that you're about to see:

---

Taceau - Cretons avec laitue déchiquetée, tomates découpées, et le fromage Lechevalier Mailloux dans un pain frais. [Translated: Potted Pork meat with shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, and a Quebec cheese served in a loaf of fresh bread]

Nacheau - Pied-de-Vent fondu avec retailles d'hostie. [Translated: Melted Pied-de-Vent cheese with unconsecrated communion wafer cuttings]

Buerre-iteau - Pain frais, bourré du beurre, porc haché, noix de muscade, clous de girofle et pommes de terre. [Translated: fresh bread, stuffed with butter, ground pork, nutmeg, cloves and potatoes]

You Might Be an Apostate If..

This silliness was inspired by some seriousness over at 'Crossed the Tiber.' My apologies to both Tiber Jumper and Jeff Foxworthy...

If you think John Shelby Spong is a wise theologian, you might be an apostate.

If you consider one of the Seven Deadly Sins to be wearing white shoes after Labor Day, you might be an apostate.

If Easter afternoon finds you still in your jammies, eating jelly beans and peeps, you just might be an apostate.

You might be an apostate if you welcome homosexuality as "the Spirit doing something new in the Church."

You might be an apostate if you think that venereal disease and pregnancies are best prevented with condoms, preferably distributed in grade schools.

If you can sit through an entire televised football game, but usually leave Mass right after Communion, you just might be an apostate.

* New* If you complain about how the Church opresses women, but never bother praying the Rosary, you might be an apostate.

Any others, from the few who bother to haunt this place?

Notes from the Road #70602

Who gets vanity plates with TV jokes? Some yutz from Iowa, perhaps, thought that a witty Seinfeld reference would set himself, and his Lexus SUV, apart from the crowd. Too bad he couldn't think of anything funnier than 'Moops'.

If you plan a travel route on the Internet, add 25% to the travel time if you're travelling with toddler/preschoolers. Yes, the extra time is for copious potty breaks.

I wish I could have been in Lincoln for Call To Action's Futility Fest, but I was burning road to Des Moines by the time that all transpired.

Mass in Ohio was..er, everything I hear people complaining about that's wrong with the Novus Ordo:

"Hey, where's the Tabernacle?!?"

I didn't realize that 'R/' in the hymnal was a cue for the cantress to raise her right arm.

Waterford crystal ciborium and chalices were used, showing their unity with Los Angeles.

Like a freak, I knelt (alone) after the Agnus Dei, and even continued kneeling after Communion.

I will eventually return to Lincoln, and will be glad..

Dessert Leftovers

0.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820
97494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651
32823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027
01938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128
47564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664
82133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628
29254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384...

It's just a small slice, enjoy ;-)

The Modern Major Democrat

a musical number, inspired by Jay @ Pro Familia.

(to the tune of Modern Major General, from the Pirates of Penzance)

I am the very model of the modern major Democrat,
I've been on MTV, so that you know that I know where it's at,
Senators from Massachusetts can be thin or very fat.
We'll filibuster judges, 'cause we love a game of tit for tat.

I'm a decorated veteran with documented bravery,
despite my voting record indicating frequent wavery.
About the strife in Persia, I've given quite a lot of thought,
But if you ask about a plan, I'll have to tell you I have naught.

But if you ask about a plan, I'll have to tell you I have naught.
But if you ask about a plan, I'll have to tell you I have naught.
But if you ask about a plan, I'll have to tell you I have naught.

I'm very good at calumny, detraction and hyperbole
I'll tell what you want to hear, to get all you to vote for me
In short, in matters cultural, social, and all of that,
I am the very model of the modern major Democrat.

In short, in matters cultural, social, and all of that,
I am the very model of the modern major Democrat.

I know our civic history, of Washington and Jefferson
I quote the Founding Fathers with the U.S. Constitution
I'm person'ly against, but publically support abortion
Though some catholics think that I deserve excommunication

Sister Joan Chittister makes a lot of sense to me
On war, retired bishop Gumbleton and I agree
To the Church's Magisterium I give no authority
The National Catholic Reporter is the rag for me

The National Catholic Reporter is the rag for me
The National Catholic Reporter is the rag for me
The National Catholic Reporter is the rag for me

Condescension is my native tongue, I speak it rather fluently
And if you cannot understand, I'll nod most patronizingly,
In short, in matters cultural, social, and all of that,
I am the very model of the modern major Democrat.

Custom Bible

From WorldNetDaily, a story about a new bible, seemingly customised for stalwart Republicans:

A new publication of the Bible by a Dutch organization could take a lot of the stress out of reading the Holy Book's instructions for contemporary Christians, according to its publisher.

That's because those troublesome verses about justice for the poor, responsibility for the rich to address their neighbors' needs, and all that talk about money, are gone. Not just edited out, cut out...

"Jesus was very inspiring for our inner health, but we don't need to take his naïve remarks about money seriously. He didn't study economics, obviously," said a Mr. De Rijke, the chairman of the foundation, in a news release obtained by ANS.

Wow, to the DNC bible excises any sexual moral component of scripture, and the RNC version excises any materialist moral component of the Gospels. Poof! No more Bible. The money shot in the article comes early:

After all, no serious Christian takes such texts literally, he said.

Bwah-hah-hah-hah, these guys kill me. Sign him up for Friday nights at the Funny Bone. Now for the punchline:

However, the names listed for the officials of the foundation, "De Rijke" and "Fortuijn" give away the joke, which sometimes has produced more anger than humor among Christians.

"De Rijke" means "rich," and "Fortuijn" means "fortune," and the Bible actually is published by Time to Turn, a network of Dutch Christian students "who want to choose a sustainable and just way of life, based on their faith in Jesus Christ."

"They do not believe in a new legalism, or in a utopian state, but in a God who is willing to deliver the world from materialism and injustice. Time to Turn is linked to the international student movement Speak," the announcement said.

I love parody. Don't you?

More Fun

h/t Crescat



Make George say anything you've ever wished he'd say.

More fun to be had here.

Compulsive Motivation

More Motivational Silliness

Abusing technology, I give you..



if you know the man, then you get the joke.

extra motivated

Motivated

(psst, it's Richard P. McBrien)

Another entry for the Lapped Catholic motivation contest, "Mortification"

For extra motivation, this.

Do your own here.

h/t Crescat

Literacy Is Overrated

Chomsky is fine, Hugo, but what else have you been reading?



How about some counterbalance?



Or, maybe, we can help you with more deep-seated issues?



If not that, at least some instructive reading?