I'm Not Gay

Inspired by Ted Haggard's stunning confession that he's not gay, and the media's fascination with the gay lobby...

GAY LOBBY : Bring out your gay!
GAY LOBBY : Bring out your gay!

MEDIA: Here's one.
GAY LOBBY: Ninepence.
TED HAGGARD: I'm not gay!

GAY LOBBY: What?
MEDIA: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.

TED HAGGARD: I'm not gay!!

GAY LOBBY: 'Ere. He says he's not gay!
MEDIA: Yes, he is.
TED HAGGARD: I'm not!

GAY LOBBY: He isn't?
MEDIA: Well, he will be soon. He's very poofy.
TED HAGGARD: I'm getting better!

MEDIA: No, you're not. You'll be flaming queer in a moment.
GAY LOBBY: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
TED HAGGARD: I don't want to go on the cart!

MEDIA: Oh, don't be such a baby.
GAY LOBBY: I can't take him.
TED HAGGARD: I feel straight!

MEDIA: Well, do us a favour.
GAY LOBBY: I can't.
MEDIA: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
GAY LOBBY: No, I've got to go to South Beach. They've outed nine today.

MEDIA: Well, when's your next round?
GAY LOBBY: Thursday.
TED HAGGARD: I think I'll read a Playboy.

MEDIA: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
TED HAGGARD: [singing]
Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to..
[whop]

MEDIA: Ah, thanks very much.
GAY LOBBY: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

[apologies to Monty Python]